Copyright 2008 Ben S. Pollock
DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY — The way to be left alone in Fayetteville’s Wilson Park is to mutter to no one in particular. It’s not a particularly small town, but if you do leave your house you often run into people you know.
So look moderately troubled, other park patrons tend to snap their fingers as if they’d forgotten something and from a distance, turn around and move away. If you look really miserable, though, they come to help.
I admit to talking to myself. “OK, Congress, why don’t you just throw money at it and make the recession go away!”
I completed two laps and sat on a bench near the tennis courts. The walk had not slowed my confusion about the economic stimulus plan Bush out of the blue proposed and the House with barely any debate — the majority opposition Congress — passed late last week.
“And it’s our money they’re using,” I yelled. The joggers ran faster past me.
Then from behind me Art Buchwald walked over and sat down.
“At least they’re going to throw our money back at us.”
Art in his day was a Washington insider. He’d seen it all before so many times that he could piece the ironies even though he died at age 81 a year and a week ago, Jan. 17, 2007. A year for a Jewish soul he now was free, a boon for fans like me.
“So this is Fayetteville? It reminds me of Heaven.”
“We like to think so, Mr. B. I was thinking about what you would have written about this ‘economic stimulus.’ You’re looking good. They let you smoke up there?”
“Sure, sonny,” Art said. “I quit cigars ages ago, and so in the end my lungs were fine but the kidneys were done. They say smoking kills, but when you’re already dead, why not?”
I enjoyed the aroma and told him so.
“Real Havanas. No trade embargo, up there.”
“Speaking of economics: Just this month, the White House waved a flag to stave off recession. During the past week, he had the Democrats in the House over for pizza and they created a rescue package,” I said.
“That’s what I get for taking a break from the news; Bill Styron and Kay Graham and I went to Miami Beach. What’s the rush?
“The world markets just noticed Wall Street is starting to cycle down in some areas from great profits for so long. Wall Street saw the Tokyo and Europe closings so all the industries are decelerating. Then the world tailed that, again.
“So, Mr. B, we’re all going to get checks come May.”
“Up here four months feels like three seconds, but if they’re in a rush four months means bread lines will form by the weekend. How much you getting?”
“It’s $600 a person or $1,200 a couple, plus $300 per child.”
“When I last read the papers, the Christmas sales showed 37-inch Magnavox TVs for $600 and decent laptop PCs for $1,200.”
“The bipartisan plan also adds tax breaks for businesses, a 50 percent bonus deduction on buying new equipment and doubles the limit on allowed expenses for small businesses.”
“Naturally. What’s this going to cost?”
“The New York Times said the plan increases this year’s budget deficit to $219 billion and over 10 years adds $110 billion to the national debt.” I watched as Art pulled from the pocket of his windbreaker a sack of crumbs to feed the gathering pigeons.
“Mr. B, I have half-a-mind to put my check in savings, if this is going to grow worse.”
“Kid, why don’t you sign the check and send it back, lower the deficit?” He grinned, but it’s a good idea. “How’d the downturn start?”
“Banks made it too easy to get balloon mortgages. Homeowners are defaulting, Mr. B, and construction has stopped on all the new subdivisions so builders are foreclosing.”
“The stimulus package doesn’t say much on the housing industry, does it? That’s just like Washington — buy the little guy a toaster when the fridge is on the fritz.”
“These people, like Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Paulson, are trained economists, right? If the problem is housing and banks, why aren’t they tackling those?”
“Heaven only knows. I’m there, and St. Peter always has his nose in that book of his.”
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