Copyright 2007 Ben S. Pollock
Men, I’m talking to you. This week we have a rare opportunity to clear up misunderstandings and clarify the Code. Real men don’t even try to understand the Code, but for the sake of our manliness we must learn a bit.
This code also is known as gaydar, one fellow’s shout-out to another fellow. Today’s lesson is not intended to be homophobic. It is, however, addressed to heterosexuals as well as gay men who do not cruise in public places with the intent to, er, “date” in public places. I’m just trying with this new knowledge to help: A straight man doesn’t have to get embarrassed or offended. A non-cruising fellow doesn’t have to apologize or explain.
Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, could have used this information. He pleaded guilty to avoid attention over a miscommunication he had with an undercover police officer in a men’s room at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Here is what news accounts –Washington Post and Associated Press, mainly — say happened. Remember, men, this could happen to you. Larry’s life is in shambles. He should have read this.
• Foot tapping. If you want a date, tap your foot. If you’re nervous, pop your knuckles instead. If you have a really good tune in your headset, snap your fingers instead.
• Make eye contact, walk some then three seconds later turn toward that person. If it’s someone you think you know, forget about it; they’d get the wrong idea, anyway.
• Pass your hand or other body part underneath the wall of a toilet stall in a public restroom. If you drop your car keys, evidently, they’re lost for good. If you insist on picking up your lost item, pull your pants up first.
• Set your suitcase in front of the door of the toilet. Cruisers are said to do this to prevent prying eyes. The rest of us do it to prevent our luggage from getting stolen. It’s a stall: if your bag isn’t in front of the door, the only other place it can fit is on your lap. Bringing in your overnighter is your choice: be accused of doing something you’re not, or losing your toothbrush and underwear.
Besides, airports broadcast continual announcements that it’s against federal law to “leave your luggage unattended.” What’s a law-abiding, conservative senator to do? Or you?
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One reply on “Attended Luggage”
My colleague Philip Martin in Little Rock analyzes the Craig story and finds hypocrisy has layers: http://nwanews.com/adg/Perspective/200358/ “The real reason for cops in public bathrooms.”