DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY, Monday July 2, 2007, hypothetically — The Arkansas State Police arrested the executive editors, managing editors and editorial page editors of two prominent newspapers at 11 this morning, no one being in their offices before that.
At 12:01 a.m. Sunday, the measure forbidding the spelling of the possessive of Arkansas as “Arkan—‘” became law. Sponsor Rep. Steve Harrelson, D-Texarkana, introduced the proposition as a resolution, but the General Assembly expanded it to a felony, having witnessed its popularity as an opportunity to gig the media, having been thwarted once again from levying sales tax on the purchase of newspapers.
Troopers showed up in the newsrooms of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette’s Little Rock office, as well as the Springdale compound of The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas. Unlike most perp walks, the six men held their heads high and proud while guided to squad cars. Witnesses said the two editorialists sneered.
In plenty of time for the mid-afternoon budget meetings, the half-dozen editors were freed on their own recognizance, though electronic anklet monitors were locked onto the right legs of each. They were instructed not to leave town, or bathe.
The charges to be filed will fall under the state’s new law that mandates the possessive of Arkansas is Arkansas’s. When the bill passed out of committee, before the proposal became a proposed criminal law, it was reported here and also here.
“This ain’t a matter of free speech, it’s grammar,” said Gov. Mike Beebe, explaining, “It sounds the same, ‘arkansawz, ‘so it ‘speaks’ the same. The First Amendment therefore does not apply.
“I’m a lawyer. I should know loopholes. I’m a former state attorney general, and we run through hoops of language every day. It’s time we held the hoops and the guys with the barrels of ink and satellite-linked servers did some leaping.”
The six editors held various opinions on the placement of the apostrophe, but in explaining the issue in memos to employees and editorials to the public, allegedly perpetuated the incorrect spelling in explanation of the alleged controversy. The arrests inevitably followed.
“Apparently, the only way to give the alternate possessive is with dashes, just like we were repeating any of Vice President Cheney’s favorite expletives,” according to a junior news editor, who spoke on condition of anonymity.
This person said, “None of the editors cares a jot or a tittle about the apostrophe. They just want to be free to confound English teachers and fogies, remind university students of basic writing rules neglected in state high schools and, not least, bore our bread-and-butter readers.”
“Jot and tittle,” the sub-editor added, “Those will be good headline words for this one.” -30-
