This is an emergency broadcast of the Emergency Broadcast System. There is about to be a terrific storm in your area. Terrific meaning biblically terrible to you, your roof and your car. Terrific for us back in the studio, well, means terrific. We sit back and watch cool video shot by foolhardy amateurs. That scares the bejabbers out of viewers. Under that, we find that our commentary can make or break mass hysteria. It’s a kick.
We credentialed forecasters get to wonder about American broadcasting. What are people thinking, like if they wonder why meteorology has more vowels than consonants for a change, that is, if you count “y” as a switch-hitter. You should, it sounds like an “e.”
Oh, the Advice from People Who Are Right:
Turn off your televisions. Are you crazy, you ask the Weather Guys? Hey, one good surge from a downed limb and the TV tube will blow glass shards at you. Oh, flat screen? It’ll melt a little and release radioactive sleezium at you. At least, that’s what Mom always told us.
Besides, shouldn’t you be hunkered in an interior room with no windows, like a closet or bathroom? You’ve carried a TV in? What if the electricity cuts out?
You’re supposed to use a portable radio with a speaker not ‘phones (for the family to all hear). Yeah, in the drawer next to the flashlight and spare batteries for both. Radio stations always have specialized in weather reports.
FM? Well, maybe they all just play music loops with no humans to cut in for breaking events. All the announcements are recorded (not pre-recorded, that’s redundant). You don’t know how to turn on AM? There’s a switch, keep feeling for it.
AM you find is mostly music, too, with lots of static? Keep scanning and you’ll hit on a couple of news-talk channels. That’s their job, talk radio, to cut in with the latest. Oh, they’re all sports-talk from New York or syndicated call-ins for crazies from LA? Well, since the Federal Communications Commission deregulated broadcasters they cut their obligation to local listeners. You’d think out of civic obligation … but with the FCC putting in its 40 hours a week investigating obscenity complaints, who cares?
Well, it’s been nice talking to you. We’ll return to regularly scheduled shtick once we’ve milked the weather panic dry. -30-
One reply on “Systematic Panic”
You left out the apparently last local radio station that cares about weather, KURM-AM and -FM, highlighted in Rob Smith’s Monday, April 17, “Travelers’ Check” column, 1B of the Northwest edition of the Demzette. I’d link to it but it doesn’t seem to be loaded at here. — Remember, buddy, I’m reading. — Noah