Copyright 2003 Ben S. Pollock
Monday, Dec. 29, 2003.Not content to just advise that plastic sheeting and duct tape are effective deterrents against sophisticated biological weapons of mass destruction, the federal government warned that people with almanacs could be international terrorists.
The Associated Press confirmed the FBI’s Christmas Eve bulletin to 18,000 police departments. Cops are to watch for anyone carrying almanacs, especially if the books are annotated suspiciously.
“The FBI noted that use of almanacs or maps may be innocent, ‘the product of legitimate recreational or commercial activities.’ But it warned that when combined with suspicious behavior — such as apparent surveillance — a person with an almanac ‘may point to possible terrorist planning,'” the AP reported.
“The FBI said information typically found in almanacs that could be useful for terrorists includes profiles of cities and states and information about waterways, bridges, dams, reservoirs, tunnels, buildings and landmarks. It said this information is often accompanied by photographs and maps.”
The AP quote executives from the World Almanac and Old Farmers Almanac as saying they publish nothing that isn’t readily available on the Internet and their books don’t have schematics, diagrams or similar detailed drawings.
Just last week I bought a 2004 World Almanac at Wal-Mart. The store had two brands; I picked the one with more explosive facts, specifically tables giving postage stamp rates and forms of address. The only subversive activity I’ll confess to is intent to deduct the purchase as a free-lance writing expense. I buy one annually, because every so often thumbing through it generates column ideas, to say nothing of finding some facts in it quicker than a fast Internet connection.
This is the first time an almanac has given me fodder unopened. It is my USA PATRIOT Act duty to plead guilty to using an almanac to do my part to subvert unconstitutional laws, like the USA PATRIOT Act. -30-
