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Vuvuzela Monologues – Ads

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Here’s some vuvuzela blasts to advertisements of the you-must-be-kidding sort. Virtually all of these are from the Sunday newspaper coupon sets. Because these go a long way to paying my salary, please buy every one of these. They’re fine products at honest prices.

• • •

Del Monte has a new campaign for its canned fruits and vegetables. The slogan goes, “When fresh fruit spoils, your food dollars disappear.” The rest of the ad’s big print goes, “Pick Del Monte canned fruit instead. Enjoy sunny taste. Without the waste.”

Moldy peaches are no fun, but keeping an eye on them, eating the softest ones first or cooking them in something, will strengthen the world’s supply of tin cans and syrup.

• • •

Kraft is remarketing, repackaging or repurposing its processed American cheese as ideal for microwaved nachos that even children can make. “Kraft Singles Melt Downs — Kids Can Melt Their Own Fun!”

Anyone who can punch 15 seconds (as pictured) on a microwave keypad can use real cheese, with more flavor, calcium and protein, as easily as laying over a handful of chips a slice of Velveeta, in three flavors, Nacho, Pizza and Taco. Take the plastic wrap off first, kids! It takes no more time, and want those flavors? Mom has spices you can sprinkle –chili powder, Italian mix and, uh, chili powder –and you won’t get extra salt and preservatives you didn’t need in the first place.

That was before I checked the related website. A video mini-drama automatically opens of a high school principal having a bad morning with, yes, a meltdown. Apparently, this 2:03 video has been re-edited into 30-second TV spots. Intact, this feels much longer than two minutes. Maybe it’s intended to remind adults if not kids of comedies like Ferris Buehler’s Day Off or Breakfast Club, but soon the overwriting and overacting seem real — even before the 2-second segment with a gun.

• • •

Our friends at Kleenex (Kimberly-Clark has “Personal Care products manufacturing facilities” in Conway and Maumelle, Ark.) have introduced paper hand towels with a pop-up dispenser not unlike their tissues.

The copy reads, “Your hands are only as clean as the towel used to dry them.” The picture shows two bathroom walls side by side, sharing a towel bar. Hanging on the left is a wadded, smudged, formerly white towel. On the right is an upside-down dispenser box of Kleenex Hands Towels with a crisp piece of paper ready to grab. Slogan, “A Clean, Fresh Towel Every Time.” The box, with a wedge-shaped top, is designed to rest on and behind the towel bar, or right-side up next to the sink.

The website includes a song for children to sing as they wash. For convenience, it’s an MP3 audio with a pleasant male voice, under which are printed the lyrics with a bouncing ball hopping happily to each syllable as it goes along. On the same page are two videos. One is an animation with a boy and a dog, an orchestrated version of the singer on the MP3. The one with the real little boy is rap. Hip-hop, get a mop, don’t be a sop, as they say in the ‘hood.

We could expect the sequel videos to explain how to use Cottonelle toilet tissue so let’s check. Nope. It’s a video where a gray-haired serious man in a suit and tie addresses the over and under controversy.

I wanna go baffroom.

• • •

Want the convenience of modern public restrooms in your own bathroom and kitchen? Lysol recommends its No-Touch Hand Soap System. Put this unit by the faucet, and place your palm under the nozzle where an infrared eye will sense that you’re ready for a dollop of hygiene. The price online is about $17.

Slogan: “Never touch a germy soap pump again” and the copy continues, “Helps stop the spread of bacteria … Starter Kit Includes No-Touch Dispenser, Hand Soap Refill and Four AA Batteries.”

The website has a helpful, fear-mongering video and notes the soap — you have to use Lysol’s with a specially shaped bottle — comes in three varieties, Soothing Cucumber Splash, Refreshing Grapefruit Essence, and Cleansing Green Tea & Ginger.

It’s a wonder the soap isn’t canned by Del Monte.

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Finally, a Book List

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

This is a list, a record, an accounting. Dull in some lights, if not pretentious, condescending and childish: Look at what I’ve been reading, Mommy! But in recent years, I’ve heard of more people keeping lists of books they’ve read. I’ve enjoyed looking at them. Nick Hornby’s is a feature in The Believer magazine. Of course, that’s the spectacular writer Hornby.

After years of false starts, like New Year’s resolutions that fizzle in six weeks, I started this list in January. It really was a resolution, and I never keep those. So far, I am.

This blog entry is for the archives. No need to read it. Tomorrow’s Brick should be funny.

Book List through June 2010

January

(Honestly? December’s) Air Guitar by Dave Hickey — masterly essays.

Prior Convictions by Dave Hickey — good short stories, but I see why he didn’t stay in fiction.

The Choiring of the Trees by Donald Harington — Didn’t finish. (Continued)

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Vuvuzela Monologues

Monday, July 5, 2010

As long as soccer’s World Cup has made the vuvuzela stadium noisemaker a common word in America, Brick wants to horn in on its ubiquity for a new series of short takes. Today, it’s skin and drama.

• • •

Speaking of vuvuzela, one rash has come home to roost, on my left forearm. Until the most recent semi-seasonal clean-up the  Shady Hill yard, I have for years assured My Beloved of my immunity to poison ivy. Early last week, two days after battling privet on the perimeter, itchy blisters appears on said limb. Immunity has ended.

In researching valid treatments, I found a great Wall Street Journal article. Along the way to prevention and treatment, it notes that anecdotally there seems to be more, and more toxic, poison ivy this summer. The story cites research blaming global warming. Being the Journal, it does not use the phrase “global warming”:

A study, published in the journal Weed Science in 2007, suggested that poison ivy is getting bigger, spreading faster and producing more urushiol [the itching oil in the sap] as the result of increasing levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

As for prevention, science says soap-and-water works as well as store-bought poison-ivy rinses. My mistake was washing hands but not up the arms. This gardener has briefly suspended his organic principles to buy the smallest bottle of Roundup and spray only the leaves of three. We have lots of other ivies and other nuisance plants, and chemicals cause too many problems for cavalier use. I’ll continue to cut and pull rampant weeds, year after year. But poison ivy? Shrivel and die, you!

Science says over-the-counter cortisone cream reduces the itching. I agree. One tip not found online: Cortisone spells relief, but if you pick up a cat before the ointment soaks in, fur will stick to your arm. That spells itch.

• • •

Maybe my town’s municipal auditorium, the Walton Arts Center, has gotten small for the area. Maybe not. But there’s enough influential people who think the Washington-Benton County area needs either a bigger capacity space or simply a new one that it’s going to get cussed and discussed until the recession eases enough for bids, designs and contracts.

The latest kettle has been tossed in the fire by (Continued)

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Ratatouille Not Twee

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Fourth of July calls for red, white and blue. But if it’s independence we’re celebrating, why not red, green, yellow and purple?

Ratatouille is a southern European, mid-summer, vegetarian casserole, ideal for when you return from the farmers market with way too much. The chickpeas make this a one-pot meal; bread crumbs are to thicken the broth. (Neither are part of a traditional ratatouille, and I haven’t yet found a recipe to mention stirring before serving, either. Layers are pretty, but so are mosaics.) Because the produce all is fresh, measurements cannot be precise. Here’s a ratio, though: Cut up, there should be about a quart each of eggplant, zucchini and tomatoes, and a pint each of onions and peppers. Count on 45 minutes to prep and 1.5 hours to bake. Adapted mainly from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian.

  • 1.5 to 2 pounds eggplant (about 6 Oriental or 2 globe)
  • 1/4 cup olive oil, divided use
  • 2 large onions, peeled and sliced
  • 2 or 3 bell peppers, red, yellow or green, cored and seeded, cut in half-inch pieces
  • 1 to 1.5 pounds zucchini or other summer squash, cut in half-inch slices
  • 4-6 tomatoes, cut in half-inch cubes
  • 1 14-15 oz. can chickpeas, drained
  • 4 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
  • 3 teaspoons dried herbs (thyme, oregano, tarragon, marjoram etc.) OR 1/4 cup fresh herbs, chopped roughly
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
  • 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon hot sauce
  • 1/4 cup dry bread crumbs or matzo meal
  • 1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley or fresh basil
  • Parmesan cheese

Peel the eggplant and cut into half-inch cubes if globe style, or half-inch slices if slender Oriental style. Place pieces in bowl, sprinkle 2 teaspoons salt and mix thoroughly. Place salted eggplant in colander placed in a bowl to catch the bitter liquid. Let sit no less than 30 minutes, while preparing the rest.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spread 1 Tablespoon olive oil in medium (5-6 quart) casserole or Dutch oven, over the bottom and up the sides.

Rinse well the eggplant pieces in running water and drain. Fill the casserole in layers. While the order doesn’t matter, I like the onions and peppers on the bottom. Then the eggplant, squash, tomatoes, garlic and chickpeas. Mix the hot sauce with the remaining 3 Tablespoons olive oil and drizzle over the top. The pot will be nearly full.

Bake one hour covered. Once or twice during the hour press on the mixture with a spatula. Sprinkle bread crumbs or matzo meal over the mixture and bake another 15 minutes with no lid.

Stir well then garnish with parsley or basil. Serve with Parmesan cheese at the table. Makes 6-8 servings.

The leftovers are wonderful. Reheat as is. Or mix a couple of cups of cooled ratatouille with 4-6 cups cooked short pasta for a pasta salad, perhaps adding a little lemon juice.

Note: Other vegetables can be baked in the mix as well, if you’re clearing out the fridge and pantry or feeding a potluck. For example, 1-2 cups of sliced fresh mushrooms, green beans or cubed potatoes, along with the zucchini and tomatoes etc.

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From Moma to Mopa

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Copyright 2010 Ben S. Pollock

DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY — My client Crystal Britches was sweltering in her plastic rain gear. It neared 90 this morning at the Fayetteville Farmers Market — nearly all the summer veggies were available but no musicians or sidewalk artists — but the forecast had projected rain.

“Hon’. I thought I’d find you here,” she said to me. “Let’s talk about the new art museum up the road. The name could be better.”

“Why wear that vinyl storm suit, Ms. Britches? It’s June 24th.”

“Hon’, you know to call me Crystal. The walkabout sauna helps me keep my figure. I’m the same size I was 40 years ago. And with my shorts, I can show off these old showgirl legs.”

We ran into one another on the Square. We usually do. A scheduled meeting wasn’t till the end of the week, but neither of us minded talking business casually, at a sleek conference table or on a shady bench tucked in a hosta bed.

What an awkward name for the very first world-class museum in Northwest Arkansas,” said Crystal. “It would be as bad as if I built one to show off my philanthropy. But if I had, it’d be simple. If it were me, Crystal Britches, Museum of American Art. That’s it. But it all boils down to being a Museum of Other People’s Art.

“But the set-up is by a foundation, and it’s one I don’t belong to, closely held. They’re listening to the Northwest Arkansas Council. They’re the sort that thinks of an acronym then the words for it. Mopa, Museum of Ozark Pride — and Academy.”

“Oh,” I said. “It’s like Moma, (Continued)

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Helen Thomas, Ripped in Pieces

Friday, June 11, 2010

A statement on Helen Thomas from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, written by Ben Pollock as its vice president, edited by informal committee:

For decades, Helen Thomas has been a paragon for younger journalists and her closing her career as a bad role model provides lessons as well, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists finds.

Thomas, who turns 90 in August, has been since the 1940s a fixture in Washington as a wire service reporter, becoming a columnist only 10 years ago. Thomas has been a justly honored correspondent, also noted for breaking gender barriers in the profession. In May, informally but into a loaded camcorder, Thomas harshly criticized Israel’s Palestinian policies and said its Jewish citizens should leave the country. Thomas apologized, but her speakers bureau dropped her and she resigned from Hearst News Service.

Thomas never has been an NSNC member and is not subject to its rules. The society’s Code of Conduct is worth considering, regardless. The code advises journalistic ethics of accuracy and fairness while advocating the license needed for columns of opinion and humor.

Thomas was not writing but being interviewed, making most of the NSNC code inapplicable. This was not even a case of using one’s position for personal gain.

Its last sentence is noteworthy. “I will always remember that my job is a privilege and honor because being a columnist represents the basic American rights of free speech and open discussion.”

The National Society of Newspaper Columnists believes a commentator can communicate any damn fool thing, but that doesn’t guarantee security from her employer or respect (Continued)

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Robo Fall

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Copyright 2010 Ben S. Pollock

Dear Democratic and Republican parties of Arkansas, and all the interest groups at sea:

On behalf of the news media of the state — and independent blogs such as this, seeing that the corporate media don’t pay me to represent them but instead to shape text — I want to thank you in advance for keeping us solvent through fall.

The primaries, now over with after Tuesday’s runoffs, show how generous you are. Every congressional seat is open, and incumbents in three of the four are moving on. That creates  a lot of confusion that will need advertising to clarify. Who is who and what will they do? Voters need to know each candidate intimately, now that the primaries winnowed them down after your slight introductions.

The Senate race is the main one we expect will keep our wallets above water. National organized labor was reported to have spent roughly $10 million on Democratic Lt. Gov. Bill Halter, who lost yesterday. Imagine that, in this small and non-union state. Labor doesn’t have the kind of money corporations do, by definition, so we expect to see more accounts opening soon. Incumbent Sen. Blanche Lincoln is big in agriculture, for starters. Her  opponent is the outgoing Republican congressman from Wal-Mart, rather, Northwest Arkansas. Surely John Boozman will need lots of promotion to propound the pro-business, pro-church policies he supports.

It’s interesting how the candidate marketing world has changed. Every commercial Internet site I looked at in recent weeks sported campaign advertising — from Arkansas. How did you know not to show me South Carolina races online — wink wink?

One thing though: Those robo-calls. They don’t work. They can backfire. Automatic, prerecorded phone calls are fake, annoying and incessant. You can’t seriously think they persuade, do you? If they’re from a candidate you support, you forgive them. If they’re from those you oppose, it makes hanging up within 2 seconds that much sweeter. It’s as satisfying as hitting mute when campaign video spots shout from the TV.

Want to be more effective? Advertise your candidate — and corporate givers, advertise the attitude you want the candidate to pursue — in newspapers. Our reporters will still dig hard at everything political, and with luck even find juicy stuff on you, but real news is what attracts readers. Passion about what makes their world is what makes them paper subscribers — and voters.

See? You can’t miss. Can’t lose.

Can’t win, either, but that’s just life.

-30-

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Blind Spot

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

They’re not miracles. You can call them that, and sometimes I do, but we’re all going to die someday, and the fact I didn’t croak Monday is just life. Maybe, it’s just death. Monday my pooch and I were not tapped by a live, falling electric wire.

Last week I was on Interstate 540 heading to work. One near experience on the road is plenty, but the teleporter is in the shop. There’s slow traffic ahead. I signal, check the mirror then ease into the left lane, just like I do 249 other times a year — oh, 237, counting furlough days. I felt more than heard a vibration. In my mirror I saw a car scoot onto the left shoulder then back on the lane. It evidently had been in my blind spot for  some time. He didn’t honk, when he passed later he did not gesture at me. A close one.

Think of all the other close calls that must happen constantly but are impossible to perceive.

Most people I know call this God, grace of God, divine intervention. One of my Fort Smith school buddies had parents able and willing to buy him a new sports car when he got his license at 16. He always was incredibly reckless, peeling out on motorbikes, waterskiing across boat wakes on Lake Tenkiller, whatever. He drove the red T-top Corvette like news photographers I later knew. Sure he got tickets, but he never wrecked. Now he has a great job in another state, still married to his high school sweetheart, kids etc. Back then he always told me he had a “guardian angel.”

The only miracle is that more of us don’t die younger. It’s federal car, highway and air safety regulations, sure, but all that amazes me is how rarely we get run over when we cross tricky streets. Cancer in young adults is tragic and terrifying precisely because it actually is unusual.

My Beloved and I didn’t know about the rain until we awoke to the forecast Monday morning on KUAF, our NPR station, 40-60 percent. I checked the bedroom window then hustled Mani the Tibetan terrier downstairs and out the back door, for his first outing of the day. (The fewer times we towel-dry the shaggy 2-year-old the happier (Continued)

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Run Down for Runoff

Sunday, June 6, 2010

That’s why we have the committee system.”

Let’s nominate this as the quote of the spring 2010 primary campaign season.

Dave Bisbee is executive of Benton County, Ark. He’s seeking re-election. The field of candidates was narrowed in May, and the runoff for county judge is Tuesday the 8th. It’s a Republican primary, no Democrats are running so this decides the position. At the end of his campaign the judge has been in a circuit courtroom, not a quorum one, facing misdemeanor ethics charges. Last Friday he was acquitted of two counts and the jury was hung on the third. The conflict-of-interest issue was a construction company he owned doing work for the county last year.

Prosecutor Van Stone says he may seek retrial on that last count. Polls usually aren’t conducted at this level so how Bisbee will fare Tuesday against opponent Bob Clinard is unknown. I can’t figure Bisbee out and don’t live in his county. All I know has come from articles about this trial.

People seem to like Bisbee; he was a state representative for six years then senator for 10. How he performs as CEO of a county is different than what is needed in the legislative branch. What Bisbee said about how he performed in those 16 years floors me.

Stone in questioning Bisbee on the stand pointed out that in 2005 he voted to amend one of the statutes he was accused of violating. The Northwest Arkansas Newspapers article stated, “Bisbee testified he did not remember the law and likely did not ever read it when he was a member of the Legislature.”

The article was not clear on which statute or detail the amendment. The dialogue though remains illuminating.

“Stone asked Bisbee if there was a good chance Bisbee voted on a lot of laws he did not read.

“‘Absolutely,’ Bisbee said. ‘That’s why we have the committee system.’”

I hire legislators to read proposals, from the Arkansas General Assembly, among the folks remaining after Bisbee left, and Lt. Gov. Bill Halter who serves as president of the state Senate. My congressman, John Boozman, must understand bills he co-sponsors and others he reads to vote on. I expect my senator, Blanche Lincoln, to have figured out every nuance of health care, for instance. Come to think of it, even if you oppose Lincoln’s re-election, who doubts she is on top of legislation?

Others have “the committee system,” be that other solons or staff. Doesn’t that just rock?

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Lama-palooza III: Simple Not Simplistic

Thursday, May 27, 2010
UNI mandala destruction

Mandala destruction at UNI on May 19, 2010. Photo by Christy Pollock

Copyright 2010 Ben S. Pollock

CEDAR FALLS, Iowa — The appearances in Iowa of the exiled spiritual and political leader of China-controlled Tibet, the 14th Dalai Lama, had a successive feel: first a closed reception for a few dozen donors on Monday, May 17, a panel discussion the next morning, then finally a solo turn that afternoon. One wanted His Holiness to hit it out of the park, but knew he’d likely further develop thoughts he’d begun earlier, yet the overall memory is one of satisfaction. Any disappointment would disappear as days melded and faded, much like a bright mandala brushed into a heap of now pastel sand.

This wasn’t summer camp, a spiritual retreat or a rock festival despite similarities. The man in the burgundy and goldenrod robes simply agreed to a couple of speeches in a state he’d not visited before. [Aspects previously covered in Lama-palooza I and Lama-palooza II.]

The title of the Dalai Lama’s keynote address,”The Power of Education,” indicated more a starting point for broad considerations rather than a subject, and indeed was the practiced ramble of an extraordinary mind.

First, before the 2 p.m. start, the University of Northern Iowa Wind Symphony played. As a recorder and low brass player, I’m a sucker for bands, and the group had it a little rough. The spring semester was over by a week or so yet they hung around for this. They were playing before an audience of 5,000 in the basketball arena (the lofty acoustics of such are frustrating, too) settled noisily into the bleachers.

The UNI president, Benjamin J. Allen, opened. He presented His Holiness an honorary doctorate. The academic collar-shawl kept slipping off the Venerable’s shoulders.

Next, the band, accompanied by several choruses, including a children’s chorale, performed Joy, composed for the visit by UNI music professor Jonathan Schwabe, a setting of a Buddhist verse. It’s sung in English, and the translation also was in the program. It advises joy, peace, health, trust. It’s a handsome piece performed with quiet passion. Hearing Joy again would be a pleasure; maybe a podcast was made. Schwabe presented the Dalai Lama with the handwritten original score; in return he received a khata white silk scarf and a blessing.

Leaving the arena later, MB and I found ourselves walking near a French horn player (Continued)

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