Copyright 2008 Ben S. Pollock<\/small><\/p>\n
DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY — In the Mall of the Ozarks where the Toasts of the Town shop, where the vivacious news anchors and the handsome sports anchors check out the best duds to wear on the air, the meteorologists also lurk. They grab the nice clothes as well, but you’ll usually find them moving between the Sharper Radio Shack and Gizmos ‘R’ Us.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, expense accounts are tight — it would be due to the recession but we’re assured that business is booming in Northwest Arkansas — so the weathermen and weatherwomen after browsing end up near the mall fountain. At the east side of this centerpiece sits a throne. To be specific, the chair is in the water for it belongs to Unkle Katrina, the Santa Claus of Weather.<\/p>\n
Unkle Katrina holds court year-round, for bad weather doesn’t quit, except maybe in Southern California. The area’s meteorologists, representing the three TV stations, try not to stop by more than once a week, and they try not to beg when any of their competitors is there, but on this Wednesday, coincidence strikes. The men smile cautiously at one another but stand in line. They need their patron saint.<\/p>\n
As the line grows shorter the men take off their leather dress shoes and socks as they have to wade a few feet in the six-inch water to get to Katrina. They cuff up their wool trouser legs as well.<\/p>\n
“Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Hurricane Season, DaVinci. Have you been an accurate forecaster?<\/p>\n
“Oh, yes, Unkle Katrina. I like your name; it’s like a hurricane but I trust it because you’re everyone’s dad’s brother. I’m a Certified Broadcast Meteorologist now so I’m hoping for great presents.”<\/p>\n
“OK, my boy, how about “Live Power Doppler Radar” for KNWA\/KFTA?”<\/p>\n
“Oh, boy.”<\/p>\n
“Let me think. You’re both NBC and Fox. Here’s Animated Radar, where Web site visitors can ‘click on their community.'”<\/p>\n
Unkle Katrina looks something like Dr. John, roly-poly, bearded and with a lilting Arcadian accent. Also, he dresses like a Mardi Gras float — not like a krewe king, but the entire float.<\/p>\n
“Grayson, come sit on my knee.”<\/p>\n
“Thanks, Mister Katrina, I mean Unkle. I have the Seal of Approval from both the American Meteorological Society and the National Weather Association. May my station have Interactive Doppler Radar? It’s the ‘only online radar in the market that can zoom in to your county.'”<\/p>\n
“OK, Grayson, but you have to promise KFSM will cut in more on prime time programs but quit covering up the commercials. You have to make a 25-degree weather sound like it’s worse than Alaska. You have to make a 10-minute shower more frightening than, well, my namesake. Don’t ever let the audience think rain and winter and thunder are normal. After all, with global warming, you must tell them that they can’t be too scared. Repeatedly.”<\/p>\n
“With my direct gaze and boyish voice, persuasion’s a piece of king cake, Unk.”<\/p>\n
Katrina sighed. He had toiled for years, and progress had been slow. Until The Weather Channel, current conditions and sketchy forecasts were relegated to the middle of newscasts. If dangerous weather was looming, weather personnel gave bulletins at station breaks. Warnings and alerts were treated seriously. People were urged to grab a flashlight and a portable radio and head to a windowless room — after unplugging the TV so it wouldn’t explode from a surge.<\/p>\n
Unkle Katrina looked up and smiled at the third man.<\/p>\n
“Look, it’s Draughty from KHBS-KHOG. Didn’t you just get the AMS Seal of Approval?”<\/p>\n
“Sure, Unkle Katrina, but my team is cool, too. Tertiary is a Certified Broadcast Meteorologist, and Penelope has passed its written exam and will take the tape evaluation real soon. We can read maps, and point with computer mice. We usually manage to not trip over the cables.”<\/p>\n
“Draughty, I am glad that KHOG has kept your Super Doppler Storm Team trim.”<\/p>\n
“But Unkle Katrina, all we have is a blog. Every station has blogs.”<\/p>\n
“Dirigible, you’re saying that KARK. …”<\/p>\n
“I’m Draughty, with KHOG.”<\/p>\n
Unkle Katrina eased the young man off his lap and gazed at him kindly. Meteorologists look and sound alike, even when they’re women and even when “of color.” That’s how they’re never unemployed for long, just move from station to station.<\/p>\n
“Doppler is Doppler. None of you has an edge on chit-chat with the news team. You’re never funny, and it always sounds fake. Draughty, have you ever thought that all those map screens and static-filled panicky calls from viewers are just so much show biz?”<\/p>\n
The bearded gent stretched from his throne in a fountain in the Mall of the Ozarks. He realized he might have been harsh.<\/p>\n
“If you can’t draw readers with realistic weather assessments or panicking them, then a blog won’t be enough. Have you thought about stunts, like putting on a coat and seeing for yourself? Get a rowboat; those can float in almost no water, if the street is pretty level. A camera and a microphone, and you’re set.”<\/p>\n
“Unkle Katrina, that’s brilliant.”<\/p>\n
“Son, when you go to the parking lot, you’ll find a john boat strapped to the top of your station’s SUV.”<\/p>\n
“What’s the catch?”<\/p>\n
Uncle Katrina grinned. “From now on make the weather warning map down in the corner bigger so viewers miss words of the official weather warnings on the “crawl. Plus, if it’s a show they’re recording, they’ll remember the night forever.”<\/p>\n
-30-<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Copyright 2008 Ben S. Pollock DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY — In the Mall of the Ozarks where the Toasts of the Town shop, where the vivacious news anchors and the handsome sports anchors check out the best duds to wear on the air, the meteorologists also lurk. They grab the nice clothes as well, but you’ll usually […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-398","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-body-home-street"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":433,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2008\/06\/the-storm\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":0},"title":"The Storm","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"June 20, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"NEW ORLEANS -- All morning, we visitors have been referring to Hurricane Katrina, occasionally to the other big one, Hurricane Rita, in the course of the all-day speeches and panel discussions. Instead of two days of workshops, this year's National Society of Newspaper Columnists conference loaded up the teachin' today\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "The Storm, New Orleans"","block_context":{"text":"The Storm, New Orleans","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/nsnc\/new-orleans-2008\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5200,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2015\/08\/revisiting-postal-katrina-mae-west\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":1},"title":"Revisiting ‘Postal,’ Katrina, Mae West","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"August 29, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Shy of a Load Let's not go postal, it's not a trend, according to the Poynter Institute on Aug. 26-27 in \"Before Today, 8 Journalists Have Been Murdered While on Assignment, at Work or for Their Work in the U.S. Since 1992.\" Writer Kristen Hare states: \"The on-air shooting deaths\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Shy of a Load"","block_context":{"text":"Shy of a Load","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/items\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"0512 brick logo","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/05\/Solebrick-logo-2-300x300.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":112,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2005\/09\/gulf-of-misunderstanding\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":2},"title":"Gulf of misunderstanding","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"September 2, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Copyright 2005 Ben S. Pollock Friday, September 2, 2005: Gulf War III. This one is American, too, but it's being fought on a different Gulf. Thoughts about Hurricane Katrina. In my morning paper today is a color insert ad, Heartland Honda of Springdale: four glossy pages on gas-powered portable generators.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "News, Spin"","block_context":{"text":"News, Spin","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/news-spin\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":107,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2005\/10\/havent-they-been-through-enough\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":3},"title":"Haven’t they been through enough?","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"October 2, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Copyright 2005 Ben S. Pollock Monday, Oct. 2, 2005: Refugee, evacuee, ban, persecute. Who could object -- well, I couldn't -- when Oprah Winfrey in the second week after Hurricane Katrina pronounced from New Orleans that people who made it through the devastation \"survivors\"? It's uplifting, optimistic, triumphant and, well,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "News, Spin"","block_context":{"text":"News, Spin","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/news-spin\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":881,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2009\/02\/nature-in-slow-motion\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":4},"title":"Nature in slow motion","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"February 5, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"The knit sheets we grabbed in the dark annoyed, our flannels would slide in woven linens. Cascading limbs threatened the bed upstairs so with four blankets below, three above, we lay with cats by the washer\/dryer. Not merely sleepless, for 10 hours we stared under the hurricane in slow motion:\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Brick Bats Reportage"","block_context":{"text":"Brick Bats Reportage","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/brick-bats-reportage\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Fungi by Christy K. Pollock","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/02\/fungi-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":239,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2006\/10\/promenade-lemonade-cynical-pinnacle\/","url_meta":{"origin":398,"position":5},"title":"Promenade Lemonade: Cynical Pinnacle?","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"October 6, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"PROM-E-NADE -- The Pinnacle Hills Promenade Shopping Center opened Wednesday. Wanting to see the center, not the artifice of ribbon-cutting, and crowds that won't be that big until the day after Thanksgiving, I'm here for an hour Thursday afternoon. Background here and here. Forget this joint on bustling weekends, too.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Body, Home, Street"","block_context":{"text":"Body, Home, Street","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/body-home-street\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=398"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}