{"id":2052,"date":"2010-07-07T11:02:27","date_gmt":"2010-07-07T16:02:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/?p=2052"},"modified":"2010-07-06T23:27:19","modified_gmt":"2010-07-07T04:27:19","slug":"vuvuzela-monologues-%e2%80%93-ads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2010\/07\/vuvuzela-monologues-%e2%80%93-ads\/","title":{"rendered":"Vuvuzela Monologues \u2013 Ads"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here’s some vuvuzela<\/a> blasts to advertisements of the you-must-be-kidding sort. Virtually all of these are from the Sunday newspaper coupon sets. Because these go a long way to paying my salary, please buy every one of these. They’re fine products at honest prices.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p>\n

Del Monte has a new campaign<\/a> for its canned fruits and vegetables. The slogan goes, “When fresh fruit spoils, your food dollars disappear.” The rest of the ad’s big print goes, “Pick Del Monte canned fruit instead. Enjoy sunny taste. Without the waste.”<\/p>\n

Moldy peaches are no fun, but keeping an eye on them, eating the softest ones first or cooking them in something, will strengthen the world’s supply of tin cans and syrup.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p>\n

Kraft is remarketing, repackaging or repurposing its processed American cheese as ideal for microwaved nachos that even children can make. “Kraft Singles Melt Downs — Kids Can Melt Their Own Fun!”<\/p>\n

Anyone who can punch 15 seconds (as pictured) on a microwave keypad can use real cheese, with more flavor, calcium and protein, as easily as laying over a handful of chips a slice of Velveeta, in three flavors, Nacho, Pizza and Taco. Take the plastic wrap off first, kids! It takes no more time, and want those flavors? Mom has spices you can sprinkle –chili powder, Italian mix and, uh, chili powder –and you won’t get extra salt and preservatives you didn’t need in the first place.<\/p>\n

That was before I checked the related website<\/a>. A video mini-drama automatically opens of a high school principal having a bad morning with, yes, a meltdown<\/em>. Apparently, this 2:03 video has been re-edited into 30-second TV spots. Intact, this feels much longer than two minutes. Maybe it’s intended to remind adults if not kids of comedies like Ferris Buehler’s Day Off<\/em> or Breakfast Club<\/em>, but soon the overwriting and overacting seem real — even before the 2-second segment with a gun.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p>\n

Our friends at Kleenex (Kimberly-Clark<\/a> has “Personal Care products manufacturing facilities” in Conway and Maumelle, Ark.) have introduced paper hand towels with a pop-up dispenser not unlike their tissues.<\/p>\n

The copy reads, “Your hands are only as clean as the towel used to dry them.” The picture shows two bathroom walls side by side, sharing a towel bar. Hanging on the left is a wadded, smudged, formerly white towel. On the right is an upside-down dispenser box of Kleenex Hands Towels<\/a> with a crisp piece of paper ready to grab. Slogan, “A Clean, Fresh Towel Every Time.” The box, with a wedge-shaped top, is designed to rest on and behind the towel bar, or right-side up next to the sink.<\/p>\n

The website includes a song for children to sing as they wash. For convenience, it’s an MP3 audio with a pleasant male voice, under which are printed the lyrics with a bouncing ball hopping happily to each syllable as it goes along. On the same page are two videos. One is an animation with a boy and a dog, an orchestrated version of the singer on the MP3. The one with the real little boy is rap. Hip-hop, get a mop, don’t be a sop, as they say in the ‘hood.<\/p>\n

We could expect the sequel videos to explain how to use Cottonelle<\/a> toilet tissue so let’s check. Nope. It’s a video where a gray-haired serious man in a suit and tie addresses the over and under controversy.<\/p>\n

I wanna go baffroom.<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u2022 \u2022<\/p>\n

Want the convenience of modern public restrooms in your own bathroom and kitchen? Lysol recommends its No-Touch Hand Soap System<\/a>. Put this unit by the faucet, and place your palm under the nozzle where an infrared eye will sense that you’re ready for a dollop of hygiene. The price online is about $17.<\/p>\n

Slogan: “Never touch a germy soap pump again” and the copy continues, “Helps stop the spread of bacteria … Starter Kit Includes No-Touch Dispenser, Hand Soap Refill and Four AA Batteries.”<\/p>\n

The website has a helpful, fear-mongering video and notes the soap — you have to use Lysol’s with a specially shaped bottle — comes in three varieties, Soothing Cucumber Splash, Refreshing Grapefruit Essence, and Cleansing Green Tea & Ginger.<\/p>\n

It’s a wonder the soap isn’t canned by Del Monte.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here’s some vuvuzela blasts to advertisements of the you-must-be-kidding sort. Virtually all of these are from the Sunday newspaper coupon sets. Because these go a long way to paying my salary, please buy every one of these. They’re fine products at honest prices. \u2022 \u2022 \u2022 Del Monte has a new campaign for its canned […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2052","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-loose-talk-of-town"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2039,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2010\/07\/vuvuzela-monologues\/","url_meta":{"origin":2052,"position":0},"title":"Vuvuzela Monologues","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"July 5, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"As long as soccer's World Cup has made the vuvuzela stadium noisemaker a common word in America, Brick wants to horn in on its ubiquity for a new series of short takes. Today, it's skin and drama. \u2022 \u2022 \u2022 Speaking of vuvuzela, one rash has come home to roost,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Loose Talk of the Town"","block_context":{"text":"Loose Talk of the Town","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/briefs\/loose-talk-of-town\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2224,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2010\/09\/by-george\/","url_meta":{"origin":2052,"position":1},"title":"By George","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"September 1, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"With apologies to George Orwell: Winston gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark moustache. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two Victory Gin-scented tears trickled down the sides\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Loose Talk of the Town"","block_context":{"text":"Loose Talk of the Town","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/briefs\/loose-talk-of-town\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2195,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2010\/08\/mosque-ow-on-the-hudson\/","url_meta":{"origin":2052,"position":2},"title":"Mosque, Ow, on the Hudson","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"August 6, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Some blasts from the vuvuzela. I used to play instruments, not just blow my own horn. While avoiding graven images, there's no writ against craven puns. Mosque, ow, on the Hudson? Saying where houses of worship do not belong raises all sorts of red flags, no matter the neighborhood, no\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Loose Talk of the Town"","block_context":{"text":"Loose Talk of the Town","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/briefs\/loose-talk-of-town\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":382,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2007\/12\/the-4-gram-coat\/","url_meta":{"origin":2052,"position":3},"title":"The 4 Gram Coat","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"December 17, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Copyright 2007 Ben S. Pollock It's overeating season, followed by Resolve Month beginning on New Year's Day. I eat healthier than some but know I fall short. Dr. Arthur Agatston emphasizes whole carbs and not too many of them, especially the simple or sweet ones, and his South Beach Diet\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Kook Cooks"","block_context":{"text":"Kook Cooks","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/kook-cooks\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5917,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2017\/12\/wholemeal-tomato-soup\/","url_meta":{"origin":2052,"position":4},"title":"Wholemeal Tomato Soup","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"December 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Tomato soup, rather like you remember, can be yours, homemade, vegan and protein-y. Healthy eaters do miss its grown-up convenience and childhood nostalgia flavor and texture. If you read the ingredients and nutrition levels of canned tomato soup, however, you will definitely want an alternative. Even the seemingly better choices\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Main Courses"","block_context":{"text":"Main Courses","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/kook-cooks\/entrees\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"My \"Wholemeal Tomato Soup\"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-content\/uploads\/wholemeal-tomato-soup-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":442,"url":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/2008\/07\/three-school-monte\/","url_meta":{"origin":2052,"position":5},"title":"Three School Monte","author":"Ben S. Pollock","date":"July 9, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Copyright 2008 Ben S. Pollock DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY -- With a maneuver some describe as canny, the Greenland School District annexed Fayetteville Public Schools, officials with both announced Wednesday morning. The new body will be called the Greater Greenland School District and will use the facilities and personnel of both. Thus,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Chronicles of Crystal Britches"","block_context":{"text":"Chronicles of Crystal Britches","link":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/category\/chronicles-of-crystal-britches\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2052","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2052"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2052\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2083,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2052\/revisions\/2083"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2052"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2052"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/benpollock.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2052"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}