Copyright 2006 Ben S. Pollock
It has come to my attention that I am mostly unable to predict the future. Also, I am told, for the most part I cannot shape the future. (If you prefer, substitute “we” or “you” for the “I” because this really is not all about me. It’s never about me when you can see yourself in my escapades and thoughts — that is why we remain interested in other people: They remind us of … wait for it … us.)
It’s not all or nothing; I indicated mostly and partly. I can see a little that lies ahead. It’s safe to say the sun will come up tomorrow and that I will be hungry for eggs — for if I’m wrong, it won’t matter. And to a partial degree I can create my destiny. Even though I can be partly successful, I am unable to predict it. My, but the future cannot be contained in linear thought. Drat.
After years of reflection, then trial and error as well, this leads to a life lesson:
If one is neutral or optimistic about one’s prospects in any facet of life, such as love or work, then the future indeed is pretty much both unpredictable and uncontrollable. If, conversely, you are either generally pessimistic or specifically a wee self-destructive, then congratulations! You can mold your future. Yes, the power is yours to screw it up.
If you seek the best, or seek great things, then all the forces of nature — more than that, all the other people who intersect with you — intersect with your goals. The consequences thus can seem random. If they are predestined, fine, but it’s not for us to know our fate so that makes no difference. Thus, the outcome is anyone’s guess.
You can jinx something, though. If you create a hairline fracture in the cosmos you narrow the likelihood of your goal failing. This allows you to increase the accuracy of predictions of your life ahead! For many people — for me at odd times in my decades of life — this is a relief: Can’t it be better to face the bad known than the anything’s-possible unknown?
It need not be conscious. I played baritone/euphonium from seventh grade to, well, I’m still playing horns. In high school I always made All-District Bands, but senior year I placed well enough in that to audition for All-State. All-State Band is big in Arkansas; it was almost as pivotal for Bill Clinton as his making Boys’ State. My big brother got a chair in All-State several years. At best, obviously, I’d get in once.
A band audition starts with judges calling out a few scales for you to play, then you deliver a prepared 3-4 minute solo (usually with a friend accompanying you on piano — thanks, Mark Parta), and last the judges have you sightread.
I’d always been fairly good at that. Taking a score, looking at it for a minute then trying to play well with no rehearsal. It went fine. Before that, though, my solo was so-so because my brain was fried from having blown the scales. Scales! I choked on the easiest and first thing. Did I will to fail? Not consciously, but did part of me?
Ever since, I’ve always over-prepared and over-rehearsed for anything resembling an audition, no matter how strongly I wanted the prize. About 15 years ago I came in second to be my newspaper’s TV critic. I didn’t really want it but my sample reviews were good and the interview went great.
Still I have to wonder, have I unconsciously jinxed outcomes on other matters for the comfort of predictability?
My example of open intent came, thank goodness, 25 years ago. While a reporter and editor in suburban Dallas, I applied for jobs on The Associated Press and United Press International. I did great on their tests and interviews. AP was clear that there were no openings at the time, but UPI’s bureau chief was vague. He told me to phone him every couple of months. Each time he said, not yet, but keep checking. I was impatient and young. This routine stalled my career planning. After well over a year, I told him to forget it, bluntly. He had no choice but to drop me.
Now UPI in 1981 was about on its second bankruptcy, and not being hired meant not being hit by the inevitable layoff. Still, never again did I deliberately jeopardize an opportunity.
Or have I, then rationalized around that calibrated decision?
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