Heeeeere’s Bedtime

The most useless habits can be the hardest to break. The three most annoying routines have dwindled to one. None of them ever was harmful. For me, it was a curiosity, why keep on, no pleasure, not even any risk.

The first silly habit I knocked off as an adult was to forego the comic strip Nancy. I’m amazed that the strip still is running. Wikipedia notes its graphic high notes, praised for its simplicity, and it can be reduced to a very small size but the characters still are recognizable. Fair enough. I’d read it and all the comic newspaper comics since a child, none of the serials like Rex Morgan, with the inventive exception of Dick Tracy, which I loved. As I grew up it was easy to skip the lesser (for me) strips, like Andy Capp. But I had a Jones for Nancy and Sluggo.

Even though by the 1980s, it was even duller. Laugh, never, smile, never, nor amuse. That is a key word. The front-page index of Fort Smith’s Southwest Times Record for decades listed the comics page as “Amusements.” Quaint.

I wish I knew how I quit Nancy. Outside of it being will power. I finally successfully quit smoking in 1985, maybe that showed me a way. I’d read the comics every day and as my eyes approached her spot, I willed myself to move past. After a while it was automatic. A while after that — years? — the local paper dropped her.

These irritations all comprise popular culture, come to think of it.

Years later, I managed to quit reading the Daily Horoscope. I never believed it. Interpersonally, it was amusing to learn how serious other people talked about astrology. About the time I realized Nancy was as useless as burned out Christmas tree lights, I recognized how broadly true each of the horoscopes dozen paragraphs were. Each day has good luck and a bit of bad. Some people will worry you, others will subtly indicate their praise. None will say a million-dollar check will be placed under your windshield wiper and none warn you to not leave your house today. Perhaps real astrologers, the kind with whom you make appointments and pay, tell you that.

One horoscope that is truly entertaining despite its baloney is Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsny, generally run in the alternative weeklies. It’s hip, in on the joke that the Zodiac is a pretense. I haven’t seen it in a while, though, and I don’t bother to look it up online.

For the daily fortune, I applied the Nancy principle. I’d read the rest of the page and force myself to bypass “Scorpio” and all the other signs. Skipping became habit soon enough.

I continue to allow the luxury of reading the newspaper horoscope once a year, to see the 13th paragraph, which begins, “Your birthday today,” which tells my fortune for the whole year. Sometimes I cut that out and put it somewhere where I won’t lose it.

I lose it within two weeks.

The third habit admittedly is partly broken, just because I work five nights a week. I have to see at least a few minutes of the Jay Leno or David Letterman shows. I never got the habit of the other late-night variety programs (Kimmel, O’Brien, Fallon). Because Stewart and Colbert are in a different class, I watch them regularly, with no guilt.

Leno and Letterman are rarely funny, but I admire them. Leno is a superb interviewer. When Letterman is funny, though, no one is better. Their guests almost never are that interesting. No guest appears now without something to promote. It’s been decades since Johnny Carson had guests just because they were interesting and told good stories. Craig Ferguson does now have guests with no plugs, and I catch them online, but somehow his program tries my patience.

Unlike a newspaper’s Nancy comic anda astrology, late-night talk shows have a blatant childhood origin: Bedtime. Until high school, I had a strict bedtime that fell long before Johnny Carson, and I coveted the chance to be grown up and see the show any night I wished.

Carson once I was old enough, quickly let me down. He had his moments, but he must’ve been on autopilot for the last 20 of his 30-year run of hosting The Tonight Show. When I did get to start watching, I was hooked — forbidden fruit. Plus, Susan Sarandon was a frequent guest.

Late night comedy, Nancy, and horoscope columns. All are harmless. It’s not that I want to control my environment or control others. But I really want to control myself. That’s all.

At 10:30 on nights when I’m in the easy chair, I control the TV remote. I’m up as late as I want. Woo-hoo!