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Strategic Lactose Reserve

Copyright 2008 Ben S. Pollock

DATELINE MIRTHOLOGY — The crisis in ice cream is one that should concern even those who dislike the confection, though that’s one smear of fudge sauce against them already.

The price of ice cream and comparable cooling sweets has jumped so much, so quickly that the confection industry has begun disguising how much one is buying. For some time, consumers have been forced to buy 1.75 quarts fitted into 2-quart containers. The boxes are adequately labeled so no one is deceived, if they take time to look. Besides, many house brands and Braum’s still are sold in even half-gallons. But just during this summer, the cartons of supermarket varieties have shrunk and amounts made just a little more obscure.

This makes it difficult to figure out cost per gallon, where the eagle-eye sweet tooth can compare, rocky road to rocky road.

I only want to choose flavors when I go for ice cream, or at most expand my palette to low fat or no added sugar. The study of a carton to see if it’s 1.75 quarts instead of 2, has moved toward 1.5 quarts and occasionally 3/8 of a gallon. Those cartons are smaller, which saves money on paper and plastic. Is agribusiness trying to mess with our heads?

Ice cream now is a little over double the price of gasoline, at least here in Northwest Arkansas. I keep forgetting to carry my calculator to the grocery. Look, it’s complicated to add to a gallon: 1.5 quart carton times 3 is 4.5 plus a half-quart to make the unit price, so divide the price of a 1.5 by 3 then add together. Gas is now well below $4 a gallon but expected to return. Ice cream seems to range from $8 a gallon for a grocery’s house brand (call it $7.94) to over $10 for so-called premium.

Premium ice cream should not be compared to high-octane gas. That’s like comparing rocky road to turtle sundae. Besides, what good is a pint of gas, unless it’s for the lawnmower?

We’re used to ice cream being sold in gallon increments, though foodies have allowed themselves to be persuaded that pints by default are better quality. Smaller is better? This is America, where big is good. (Though it is nice to find pints at a convenience store when on the road as they fit in the motel room mini-fridge.)

That’s why it’s so difficult to understand why there’s been so little protest that the half-gallon carton is shrinking. After all, as the price of a gallon of gasoline has increased, so have the number of filling station thefts and siphonings from individual driveways in the dark of night. Store managers must worry about increased shoplifting from the cooler. Are home invasions where the freezer is raided growing?

Perhaps it would be best for the president, or one of the candidates to be his successor, to step up now with a plan.

Americans should demand an increase in offshore dairy farms in the Gulf of Mexico, put cows on floating barges topped in grass. If — or is it when — the federal government allows increased oil drilling, the derrick platforms could be topped with hay and the roughnecks (only a step from cowboys) could in their free time take care of our bovine buddies.

If we need to borrow from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve — and isn’t that for national emergencies, not procrastinate with after years of poor planning? — then let’s “borrow” from the Strategic Lactose Reserve the USDA keeps an eye on. We don’t need all of it, just a few million gallons to stimulate and stabilize the supply of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. Not to mention butter pecan and pistachio almond. Sherbet. Frozen yogurt. Granita and sorbet for the aesthetically jaded.

Last, ice cream lovers should write their congressman or preferred presidential candidate to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for this purpose. If we can’t move some Bessies there, which may not be compatible where the deer and antelope play, let’s start milking the buffalo. Mmm, Alaskan National Spumoni!

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