“Everybody! Step out on your right foot.
“I said your right foot!
“No, son, your other right foot.”
Coach Malone, I think it was Bill Malone, was the admired football coach of Ramsey Junior High in Fort Smith. I remember at a school reunion where a lot of us in physical education class that day in the 1970s remember that line, but forgot the name of the classmate.
Now that we’re all grown, it has come to be true that just like history and algebra, you really don’t need to know your right from your left any more. Sure, you could be driving somewhere and hit the clutch instead of the brake, and be reading this in heaven, but when behind the wheel you do not consciously think Right Foot Go and Left Foot Shift. It’s automatic. In fact, if your vehicle is automatic, you’ll have to think about this.
Fortunately, we have the leisure of being idiots for nearly the whole of every day because of enough people who think for us. Isn’t that nice of them?
Charity is good. We’re to give heartily to worthy causes. “Give to the college of your choice,” is the slogan of some old-time commercials. Many of us do.
When you give to a disease foundation, or public radio, you often get a premium or bonus or gift, like a mug or tote bag. You also get a slip of paper for your tax records noting the incredibly modest cost of the T-shirt so it can be deducted. So why should anyone be surprised that buying super-duper tickets to college athletic events would not have a deduction built in. Our article notes that our University of Arkansas is far from the only institution of higher learning to benefit us by saving us money while we or our companies spend a great deal of it: “Best-seat prices at Hogs games not too taxing.”
Those wealthy enough to rent skyboxes [$36,000 in an example later in the article] can deduct nearly two-thirds [$22,786] of what they paid. The thousands of fans who sprang for club seats — those with chair backs, cup holders and access to a restricted dining lounge — can write off $85 on a ticket that cost $150.”
If you live under a rock, surprised that being rich has financial benefits for those who don’t really need them, or still have trouble telling your left from your right — where is your checkbook? — then you need help in tying your shoes. Our award-winning news source leaves nothing to chance. We have not one but three articles for you: “Tied to be fit,” “Lacing options create veritable motley shoe,” and “Relacing can reduce strain on tired toes.” And, there is a link for online subscribers to download a video so you can watch an expert tie shoelaces.
If this telling right from left and right from wrong is too taxing — get it? — you can buy shoes with newfangled hook-and-loop fasteners. I have two degrees, knew right (Goldwater) from left (McGovern) since infancy, yet these articles showed me that for decades, I tied my shoes with grannies. Not coincidentally, the UA can help Razorback fans like me. Just present your stubs. -30-
